Partly cloudy with a chance of rain

I usually try to only blog when I feel positive and "up".  I figure people don't want to hear me blog about daily dull drums or irritations in life.  But recently I've heard lots of discussions about how social media allows people to "brag" and only tell the positive things in life.  It is causing many people to feel disappointment with their "average" life.  In a bout of honestly and being real, I decided to blog when I am not a happy and positive camper.

For the past week or so,  I've been struggling emotionally with where my life is.  Traveling to Boston was good but it forced me to face my physical limitations and display them very publicly.  On top of that, I am struggling with what my life is at this moment.  How hard everything is.   How I hoped my life would be so different.  Planning for the future "what if".  How I just can't make myself do stuff.  I miss the old me.  I miss the me that could do just about anything I wanted to do.

Now I don't think it is depression.  I think it is a very real and very honest self reflection and dealing with not only terminal cancer but a seriously debilitating disease that is progressive.  That is simply a heavy load to carry.  It is scary and it sucks.  I have been here before.  I know I will be here again.  It is just the way my feelings work.

I've learned to be kind to myself and push myself to find things that  make me  happy.  I pick up the phone and call people.  I try to get out of the house.  I do something creative.  And suddenly, that cloudy feeling leaves and the happy and optimistic attitude returns.  I am waiting.  It just has to come soon.  In the meantime, I remind myself this isn't my fault.  I did nothing to deserve this.  It simply is.  And I must love myself, my body, and my short comings.  Because there is still many things about me that are pretty damn cool and I refuse to be defined by my health issues.

So when you feel down, know you are not alone.  Everyone gets that way from time to time.  It is part of living a real life.  And don't compare yourself to someone else's "high reel".