A Very Long Month

It's been a very long month.  A month since I've heard nary a word from Fritz.  I've texted and called and he does not answer or respond.  So I'm forced to figure out we are done and move on.  After a year and a half, I expect more than that.  We were talking about moving in together...a future....we had plans.  I think it is pretty inexcusable to just disappear.

So I've been keeping myself busy and trying to work through the entire bundle of emotions without having any word on what was the breaking point or not feeling like we talked through anything.  For all I know, it could be a whole big misunderstanding!

I'm left learning how to not wake up at 6:30 am to talk every morning.  How to get past 8:00 pm without a text.  I want to learn how to fill my weekends without driving to Idaho or having Fritz come here.  I need to rekindle my friendships and re-create my social life that slipped while I was dating Fritz.  I want to erase the negative self-talk created by not having any answers or discussion.  And I need to pick up my self esteem that is battered and bruised and learn to be the fabulous person I was before I met Fritz.  I don't regret giving 110% to that relationship.  I tried.  I really tried.  And I gave love fully and completely.  I shared my world with him and allowed him into the deep dark secrets I hide from most. I gave my heart away and I refuse to feel bad about that.  I will pick up the pieces and move on.  I hope to find the kind of love that evades me.  But mostly, I want to learn to be happy alone again.

What I do know is I need someone in my life that is more of a communicator and wouldn't dream of disappearing like that.  I need someone in my life that is emotionally ready to love me back.

I really miss our laughs and loving times.  I loved his family too and miss them a ton.  I guess it is all part of breaking up.  Thanks to my family both by birth and chosen that have listened to me and supported me as a drone on and on about how I hurt and questioning every nook and cranny of my imagination.  It's been a long year and a very long month.  I am done.  I'll be glad when I am feeling better and it is a distant memory.