A Very Long Month

It's been a very long month.  A month since I've heard nary a word from Fritz.  I've texted and called and he does not answer or respond.  So I'm forced to figure out we are done and move on.  After a year and a half, I expect more than that.  We were talking about moving in together...a future....we had plans.  I think it is pretty inexcusable to just disappear.

So I've been keeping myself busy and trying to work through the entire bundle of emotions without having any word on what was the breaking point or not feeling like we talked through anything.  For all I know, it could be a whole big misunderstanding!

I'm left learning how to not wake up at 6:30 am to talk every morning.  How to get past 8:00 pm without a text.  I want to learn how to fill my weekends without driving to Idaho or having Fritz come here.  I need to rekindle my friendships and re-create my social life that slipped while I was dating Fritz.  I want to erase the negative self-talk created by not having any answers or discussion.  And I need to pick up my self esteem that is battered and bruised and learn to be the fabulous person I was before I met Fritz.  I don't regret giving 110% to that relationship.  I tried.  I really tried.  And I gave love fully and completely.  I shared my world with him and allowed him into the deep dark secrets I hide from most. I gave my heart away and I refuse to feel bad about that.  I will pick up the pieces and move on.  I hope to find the kind of love that evades me.  But mostly, I want to learn to be happy alone again.

What I do know is I need someone in my life that is more of a communicator and wouldn't dream of disappearing like that.  I need someone in my life that is emotionally ready to love me back.

I really miss our laughs and loving times.  I loved his family too and miss them a ton.  I guess it is all part of breaking up.  Thanks to my family both by birth and chosen that have listened to me and supported me as a drone on and on about how I hurt and questioning every nook and cranny of my imagination.  It's been a long year and a very long month.  I am done.  I'll be glad when I am feeling better and it is a distant memory.

Loving Carolina Thanksgiving

As you probably know, I spent Thanksgiving by flying back to North Carolina and spending the holiday with Nola, Gregg, and Jennie.  It was a last minute desision but certainly something I felt important to do.  I was lucky enough to be able to book direct flights both way on the days I wanted to travel for a semi-reasonable price.

I flew into Raleigh after work on Wednesday night.  In fact, I got in about 11:30 but still had to get my checked luggage.  Nola and Jennie were sweet and offered to pick me up which was greatly appreciated.  We were late getting out of Salt Lake because it started snowing and it seemed to delay everything.  By the time we got de-iced and going down the runway, we were already an hour late.

Jennie and I stayed in the Cary Holiday Inn.  For me it made sense because Nola's guest room is up some pretty steep steps and I am just not doing well with steps right now.  Thursday, I went ahead and slept in a bit but Jennie was sweet and agreed to come pick me up when I was ready.  She had gone over to Nola and Gregg's earlier to work on her food prep and make homemade rolls.  When I got to Nola's house, everyone was busy at work in the kitchen.  Nola made some fantastic hors d'oeuvres for us to have before dinner was ready.  I got busy peeling and cutting whatever they needed for dinner. We all agreed it was very nice having all the support to get dinner done and on the table.  We all have our own skillsets.

Fall has found Raleigh.  It was beautiful.

Dinner was absolutely delicious.  We had a great time visiting and catching up.  In true Thanksgiving style, we were all ready for a nap when we were done.  We pondered going shopping but couldn't think of a single thing we HAD to go out for.  Jennie and I headed back to our hotel for the night after Jennie did a monumental job of cleaning the kitchen.  I felt like a slug as I gave into  my need for a post turkey nap.

Nola looks very serious about her knife cutting!

Yummy!

Gregg enjoying a leg like a viking!

Cooking selfie

Our feast

Friday, Nola and I both had to work.  I headed over to Nola's house with Jennie with my work laptop in hand.  Jennie worked on her sewing projects.  Gregg hurt his leg but enjoyed watching football.  I worked although things were pretty slow at work and Nola had a busy day in the office.  Jennie and I did get to meet Nola for lunch which was nice.  I made dinner with the left over turkey.  I made sour cream enchiladas and some guacamole.  It is a pretty tricky way to use turkey without feeling like you are eating left overs.  We did go out to JoAnns to the Black Friday sales in the evening.  It was much less crowded than we thought it would be.

Saturday, Jennie and I pushed ourselves to head over to Nola's earlier as we planned to sew all day.  We had set up a plan to make fabric purses all day.  But it wasn't long before we all realized we were tired and not very motivated to get started.  We watched some TV shows, had left over snacks, and we went to a movie/lunch at a place called CineBistro.

CineBistro is a great concept theater that is taylored for a high end movie experience.  They have a full open bar in the lobby.  You are escorted to your large reserved recliner lounger for your movie of choice and given a menu.  I picked Fettucine Al Forno with Chicken.  We all decided to share a piece of cheesecake for dessert.  It was so yummy and a fun way to watch a movie.  I wish they would open a location here in Salt Lake!

The bar at CineBistro

Ready for yummy food and the movie

My lunch - so good

Banana cheesecake

We did get started on our sewing project but didn't get very far.  It seems we are great at planning but underestimate the time it takes to get things done.  I hope Nola and Jennie don't feel stressed with getting them done.

Before I knew it, it was Sunday very early morning and time for me to fly home.  Nola graciously offered to wake up and take me to the airport at 4:30 am.  I was fearful that the airport would be crowded and indeed it was.  But I made it with time to spare and landed in Salt Lake by 10:00 am!  That is one early flight.  It was very bumpy as we flew through the storms across the nation but nothing too terrible.  I came home to a quiet and empty house.  I was exhausted and spent a big part of the afternoon taking a nap.  The kitties were happy with that plan as they are way behind in snuggles.

Airport line to drop off a bag.

Security line snaking through the closed off area and down the airport to the doors.

It is really hard to come home from such a great visit.  I really enjoy North Carolina and spending time with the family.  I think Nola and I will get together in April in Salt Lake.  After over a year of traveling around to Idaho and back and various other places, I finally unpacked my entire suitcase and put it back in storage.  It is weird to think about no travel plans coming up.  Maybe 2017 will present itself with new opportunities.

Thanks Nola, Gregg, and Jennie for including me in your holiday weekend.  I loved every single minute!

Happy Thanksgiving

November is a great time of the year to take a moment to express my gratitude for each and every one of you.  You read my blog and keep in touch to let me know you care.  I care about you too. Regardless of your plans, I hope you have a great Thanksgiving celebrating in just the way that is right for you.  May your heart be filled with love and your tummy filled with yummy food.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Grandma's 100th Birthday Celebration

This weekend, we celebrated Grandma Daisy turning 100!!!  Mom and gang planned a wonderful celebration at the Meadows center where Grandma stays.  When I got there, there were blown up photos of Grandma with the family, a big banner, a table set up for a family dinner, balloons, and a table for snacks.  Grandma was taking a nap but I understand she was so excited, she couldn't stand to lay down for her nap but she finally did.  When she got up, she got all ready to head down to the party.

Everyone stopped by and wished her a happy birthday.  The staff were so sweet to her too.  There were several people in addition to the family that came to celebrate her.  The family had dinner but it wasn't long before other people showed up.  Mom and Marsha had a table of snacks for people and then we visited in the living room area by the dining room.  Grandma can't hear much but she was in seventh heaven and loved seeing people.  She was so gracious to everyone.  The center had a large cake for her and everyone sang happy birthday and then we shared the cake with everyone.  It was delicious and she loved her cake.

Grandma is just an amazing woman and it is so fun to celebrate her 100 years.  Her official birthday isn't until Monday but she was very happy to celebrate early.  I'm so glad I was able to go join the celebration.  It was a beautiful weekend in Southern Utah.

Me, Chuck, Mom, Marsha, Grandma, and John

Me and Grandma

A selfie

Singing Happy Birthday with the staff.

Mom and Grandma

Happy Birthday Grandma!!

The Shuckin' Shack

Within a few blocks of our hotel at the beach, there is a funny little bar called The Shuckin' Shack.  We found it a few years ago through Yelp.  It was highly rated for fresh seafood and strong drinks.  It has become a huge habit for us and I'm almost embarassed to say, we ate there 2 nights while at the beach.  Shuckin' Shack is a very small but popular local stop.  There are probably 20 seats at the bar and then 5-6 tables (most seating 2 people).  And that is it.

We learned last year to go early.  Like 4:30 so we avoid the most crowded weekend evening times but even at 4:30, you may not get a spot to sit.  But we were lucky enough to sit both nights.  The first night, we sat at the bar.  There is an incredible amount of "flair" at this place.  Not only is the old salty sailors that go, but the other locals, the decor, and the food.  We like to share a pound of steamed shrimp, hush puppies, and a small cup of coleslaw.  They cook it to order and serve it on a small cookie sheet.  There rolls of paper towels on the table or bar.  You literally roll up your sleeves and dig in.  I can't tell you how yummy and fresh it is.  I am so lucky Nola entertains my repetitive cravings.  I can't get enough fresh shrimp at the beach.

Our reflection from the bar.

Some flair

Just what you would expect at a beach bar right?

Dinner!

Rolling up my sleeves!

Beach weekend

After my visit in Baltimore, I headed over to North Carolina for a beach scrapbooking weekend with Nola.  This is our same scrapbook retreat we've been doing for a few years.  I was thrilled to find a flight on Southwest for super cheap and it was direct so it was literally a 45 minute flight!!  Before I knew it, I was landing in Raleigh and ready to see Nola.

Nola carried the brunt of the weekend because she received my box of scrapbook stuff and packed everything else we needed for a crafty weekend.  She picked me up at the airport and we made out way to the beach.  It is about 2 hours drive from Raleigh and weekend beach traffic is no joke.  But we made our way and had a great time visiting and catching up.  We did stop for dinner in Wilmington at a delicious place Nola recommended named Sweet and Savory.  A very casual looking place with absolutely phenomenal food.  I couldn't resist the urge to get the Shrimp and Grits.  It was totally amazing.  My eyes literally rolled in the back of my head.  We meandered our way to the hotel for the weekend.

Shrimp and grits with sausage.

We are getting so good at this retreat, while we had a ton of stuff, we didn't over pack and it was easier than normal to unpack and get set up.  We got warmed up with a few layouts before going to bed.  We scrapbooked quite a bit on Friday and Saturday as well although I admit Saturday, I needed a nap in the afternoon.  Nola kept going though and spent nap time organizing herself.  We also scrapbooked Sunday until we had to leave in the afternoon.  We each got quite a bit done.  I got 25 layouts done, Nola got 16 done.  And we are talking with titles too!  Not too shabby.  Most important is we had a ton of laughs, lots of time to catch up and talk, and great food.

Each morning, Nola went to get us oatmeal at McDonalds.  We ate at Shuckin' Shack Friday and Saturday night.  I love Shuckin' Shack so much I will write a separate post about it.  Friday was absolutely beautiful and we enjoyed a short walk on the boardwalk and spent time swinging on the swing the hotel has.  But Saturday and Sunday were cloudy, rainy, and cold so we didn't get to venture out much.  The ocean was stunning through with huge waves.

My sister and my best friend at the ocean.

Sea grass

What 68 scrapbooking ladies look like. I am barely in
the shot on the far right side in a red shirt.

Playing with my new selfie stick (it broke within 5 minutes)

We had the best time and already signed up for next year.  I think it is a great combination to get my annual Hopkins visit and a beach weekend of creativity with Nola all wrapped up in one flight.  I can barely wait for next year.

Brilliant Doctor CS

Last week, it was time for my annual trek to Johns Hopkins to the Myositis Center.  This time, I had a morning appointment.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I was her first patient.  In typical Dr. CS fashion, she was busy as hell and going in 20 different directions.  But once you get her to sit down with you, her focus is amazing and you would have no idea there are 30 patients waiting for her in the waiting room.

She spent about an hour with me.  She could see a marked decline in my muscles both in my arms and legs.  My lower legs were significant which explains my new found balance issues.  She also noticed my weight gain since last year.  I just straight up confessed I have not been exercising.  Because my CK level has remained steady, she feels I can rehab again and that hopefully this is not a permanent decline.  We discussed the link between inflammation and food choices and how much harder my muscles have to work to carry my weight.  Yeah I get it.  I would like to be more healthy too.  She does want me to get an MRI to compare to my MRI I had 2 years ago.  She will also find my PT exercises from last year that I never received.  She was pretty upset I never received them.

In return, I promised to get back in focus with eating better and losing weight.  I also promised to get back on my gym routine and fight for my muscles.  I can relate most the issue to emotional eating and not being focused on my long term goals.  I will see her again in a year.  We will touch base at the next TMA conference in San Diego in September/October.

Dr. Christopher-Stine.  An amazing doctor
dedicating her career to Myositis.

Where the miracles happen

Part of the hospital

I flew in the night before and was lucky enough to get my favorite Marriott in the Inner Harbor.  I was not so lucky getting a nice room this time.  But it is still a nice hotel.

View from the corner of my room

 I ate dinner in the hotel because...well I was pooped from traveling and the wind was blowing pretty hard and I didn't want to go out.  I was so excited to get a wedge salad ($12.00) and a cup of tomato soup ($8).  I was slightly disappointed with how small my salad was.  No bread.  No crackers.  Notta.  And the salad had "Applewood smoked bacon" on it but really it was like eating pork fat back.  It was huge thick chunks of fatty pork.  Ick!

I decided to save some $$ and not rent a car this trip.  Parking is outrageous in Baltimore ($45 a night at the hotel) so I used Uber for the first time.  Slick as a whistle and less expensive than taxis.  I had 2 different drivers and it was very nice and convenient.  I will absolutely use Uber again in the future.

Right after my doctor's appointment, I caught my Uber to the airport to go visit Nola in North Carolina for the weekend.  I had a good visit in Baltimore.  It was a little interesting being there the day after the election....so close to DC.

The sound of silence

I feel like I've been a little misleading on my blog.  You've probably noticed I don't post when I am down or blue and I typically try to stay focused on a positive outlook.  But there are times when that might leave a gap in what is really going on in my world.  I want to close that gap tonight.

Since the cruise, Fritz and I have not been speaking.  Not only not speaking but he will not respond to my calls or texts.  We had a few arguments on the cruise which leads me to believe this is a purposeful period of silence. I stayed focused on the positives of our vacation (who doesn't get edgy on vacation sometimes?)  But the silence is not something that is foreign to our relationship.  In fact, there is a long history of this type of behavior on his side which lead to lots of confusion for me on if we are still in a relationship or not.

It breaks my heart and saddens me as you can imagine.  Luckily, I've found a great counselor (in addition to my Mom) to listen to me and help me sort it all out.

If you know me very well, you know I am a huge communicator.  I think it is a cornerstone of any relationship being a friendship or more.  Today I ask that you all make a conscious effort to speak about things in a loving and caring way.  Share how much you love someone and show them that they are important to you.  It will make a huge difference.

I know I will be fine with time.  I know things will work out just how they are supposed to work out. And in the meantime, I am trying to reconnect with my friends and create the circle of support I cherished before.  I thank everyone for being there for me.  I hope I return the favor on a regular basis as well.

Love you all.