Restlessness

For the last 6 weeks or so, I've been out of sort. Not quite sure what was wrong but feeling grumpy and sad and lost and grieving my old self.  I finally figured out what it was called. I am Restless.  Not the first time in  my life I've felt restless.  But I've not really been able to shake the feeling.

In the past, I usually jump into activity. I sold my house and moved.  I started volunteering at the cat shelter.  I booked a cruise.  I visited Nola.  I created a new budget to formulate my next goal achievement.  I start an exercise program.  I start a project.  I turn my restlessness into action.  No doubt I am a doer.

This time, I can't seem to shake it.  No I've not done all my past actions but I have done some.  And I did new ones like getting my nose fixed.  At this point, I am searching for the "why" or "root" of the feeling.  What is making me restless and what does it mean?  Or maybe it is just me learning to deal with my "new normal".  Regardless, I am happy to know what to call it now.  I am tuned in and listening.  I do think when you put attention to something, it is easier to figure out a solution/purpose.

I'll let you know when I figure it out or resolve the feeling.  Should be interesting.  In the meantime, I'll try to not be impulsive and do something that is a bad idea in the long run.

All better

Today the day finally came that I have been dreading.  I got my splints inside my nose removed!  Since I first broke my nose at 20 years old (or something like that), I was terrified of having any surgery that would require I have nose splints.  I've heard horror stories!  Not sure what they are?  Well when you have a Septoplasty (deviated septum repair) they often put plastic "wedges" inside your nose to hold it stable while you heal.  I didn't need to have them the first septoplasty I had but when I woke up Friday, I did.  I also had a splint on the outside of my nose and stitches on my cysts removed from my scalp.

I have been nervous all week to have them removed. Sweet Uncle John offered to take me and Dr. S agreed I could "pre-medicate" myself before my appointment. Last night I just about had a panic attack about it and watched several videos to try to put my mind at rest.  One good thing is in all the videos, no one was screaming in pain so I tried to calm my nerves.  I took a little pain pill before leaving the house and went to face the fiddler.

You must realize I've been coming to see Dr. S and his nurses for over 15 years.  We know each other.  Michelle called me back and offered me a mint because she was going to spray some numbing spray in my nostrils and it tasted bad.  Excellent!  Dr. S came in.  I told him I was freaking out just a little and he assured me it would be fine.  He vacuumed out my nostrils, sprayed more numbing spray and took the exterior splint off which is really no big deal.  Then he asked if I was ready as he gave me a hand full of tissues.  He tilted the chair back.  I told him to do his thing and I would just keep my eyes closed.  He clipped the stitched inside (at the bridge of my nose) and then fiddled a little.  Then swoop....out came one.  Not too bad! Repeat on the other side and we were clear!!  He vacuumed my nostrils again...and the pressure is gone.  I can breath!!

Don't get me wrong, my nose still has lots of healing.  It is sore.  But I can now gently blow my nose, take Ibuprofen, and wash my face.  I still need to avoid bending over, sleeping on my stomach (my preferred way), and skip aerobic activity. And god forbid, don't hit the nose!  I will continue to heal over the next 6 weeks.  I hope I never need to have this surgery again.  It has not been fun.

Here is the before and after.  Can you see the difference?  I'm honestly not sure I do in the photos but I can see it in the mirror.  I guess the proof will be when the swelling is gone.  Like those yellow bruises under my eyes and the black in the corners?  Fun huh!

Before

Today

The Nose Knows, Part 2

Since my nose fracture in 2016, I've had a tough time breathing out the right side....and my nose has been crooked.  Through my work with Dr. S on my plugged ears, I asked him about it and alas, I have a collapsed nostril and valve.  So much to my surprise and not how I planned to send my summer but I had it repaired on Friday.

You know through the years Dr. S has been my go to guy for any facial/neck stuff and he is done quite a bit of work on my nose over the years.  This time, we planned to fix a slightly deviated septum and "tuck" in a valve on the outside of my nose.  We had pre-authorized for a "graft" which I am not 100% sure what that would entail but luckily, I woke up without any hurting ribs or ear so we must not have done that part.  What I do know is he told my Mom that we couldn't get my nose straight and it is to the left a little and I have splints both inside and outside of my nose. I've never had splints inside my nose. It feels like the inside is a huge battlefield and it is very tender.  I'm 2 days post surgery and I am still bleeding so I have the drip pad under my nose...and I am breathing through my mouth.  My eyes have turned black in the inside corners.

As with any nose/face surgery, I can't bend over for awhile (not sure how long but at least a week).  I need to sleep sitting up. No physical activity.  My lips hurt.  My teeth hurt.  And I had 3 lesions removed from my head so I have a sore head big time.

What is good is I feel pretty good overall.  I've had family helping me and lots of love and support from my friends.  And today I got to shower and wash my hair which was wonderful. I have a follow up appointment tomorrow afternoon.  I know he will suck out my nose which will be wonderful.  Next Thursday, I believe I have scheduled to get stitches and splints out (Yikes!!).  I also went for a drive with Mom today to go get groceries and medicine.

Wanna see?

Just home from the hospital.  Not that attractive.

John said I looked like a kitty on day 2 with my nose pad. 
So I took a Snapchat with a filter to make it really so.
Thank god for a good filter.

No photos today but imagine about the same but with washed and brushed hair....and swollen eyes that are a little black and blue.  I know next week at this time should be significantly better.

Just a little summer drive

Last weekend, I found myself without any big plans so I decided to jump in my car and go for a drive to the mountains.  It was hot as Hates in Salt Lake and that has been miserable.  But a quick 20 minute drive away and I was enjoying the drop in temperature and the smell of pine trees.

I headed up Big Cottonwood Canyon up towards Brighton.  There were a fair share of people on the road.  When I got up to Brighton, I stopped and enjoyed some time with nature.  There were a ton of wild flowers and it was about 20 degrees cooler!  While relaxing and poking around, I saw a few people gathered next to the ski lift area.  Low and behold, there were 2 moose right there!

I decided to go drive through the Redman campground and check it out.  I wanted to get "in the trees".  I have been pondering my future camping self and wanted to see what the sites were like.  More wildflowers, yummy pine smells, and a baby deer!  I was very happy.

I decided to drive home through Guardsman pass and over to Park City.  It was a very pretty drive and lots of people at the summit.  But I enjoyed it and thought it was a really fun way to come home.  I've not been in Park City for a few years so I drove through town (boy it is crowded) and then back home.

By the time I got home, I decided I need to buy a camper/RV.  I also know my stress level had dropped to about zero.  And I was happy.  Not too shabby if you ask me.

Dim Sum yumminess

My foodie groups have introduced me to not only new people but new culinary adventures.  One thing I've always been curious about is how Dim Sum works.  Way back when I was younger and went to San Francisco with Mom, we went to dinner in Chinatown.  They had people in white coats with carts pushed around with all sorts of little baskets on them full of goodies.  We didn't know how/what it was so we skipped it.

Fast forward to current date and my food group has done Dim Sum many times but I've either not made it in before the event was full or I had a conflict.  Well yesterday, a smaller group of foodies invited me to join them for Dim Sum!  There were just 4 of us and thank goodness, Vicki is Asian and ordered for us.  I was amazed as she flipped into speaking Chinese.  She was lifting lids and nodding and pointing.  And our table was full of little tin pots and and plates of deliciousness.

I am sort of a picky eater honestly and with Dim Sum, you never quite know what it is.  People suggested you just try everything and don't ask what it was.  I knew dang well, chicken feet weren't going to happen but I was fairly open to whatever else landed on the table.  Lucky for me, Vicki was happy to tell us most of it.

Some of our spread.

Buns.  They are filled with different things.  One was egg. 
I went ahead and skipped the egg one but tried the pork.

Shrimp in rice paper

Chinese Broccoli

Shrimp balls

Don't pass out but I even tried the calamari and it was pretty okay.  I ate about 1/2 the plate of broccoli.  It was so good.  Shrimp was great.  I love the pork circle things.  We also had pork cheek which I skipped because I could see big strings of fat in there (as pork cheek has).  I simply can't do that.

I must have held my own because they started talking about a trip to Hong Kong and really want me to join.  Maybe I wouldn't starve there after all.  Now I need to find more  people to try Dim Sum with because I definitely want to go again.

My world is shrinking

It's true.  I've worked very hard for many years trying to keep engaged and active in my world.  As Myositis stole something from me, I found something new to take it's place.  I've always been very proud of that and it has been a huge help in my coping with the devastation and destruction Myositis makes in one's life.  I've learned to adjust and adapt.  There isn't much that stops me in my tracks....well....except.....stairs, grass, gravel, slippy surfaces, high heels, etc, etc, etc.

Recently, I've had a few social occasions that I have grabbed my cane, planned ahead as best I could, and took the leap to get out there and be "normal".  Unfortunately, the world is cruel and people are ignorant to the plight of people with mobility issues.  Despite my carefully planning and calculation, you can't always forecast what is coming at you like a speeding train.  As my mobility is slowly robbed of me, I'm ever testing my abilities but over the last year, those slight declines have added up and created issues for me that I cannot conquer well....or even okay.

These less then successful occurrences have caused me to retreat and reevaluate how to fill my time and navigate my world.  I'm not upset at people who have accidentally created a barrier I can't conquer.  They don't understand what my limits are or can even begin to forecast what would be an issue for me.  But those barriers are everywhere, even when you least expect it.  Simply requiring me to "just do it" isn't working anymore.  I admit I am a little vane but that vanity has slipped more and more with each passing day/week/month/year.  I carry my cane.  I ask for help.  I plan ahead. And I decline things that are just too hard for me.  I try to educate.  I try to negotiate.  I try to plan.

It became abundantly clear last night that I can no longer do book club.  I will be leaving the group this year.  People's houses have so many issues for someone with a mobility issues.  "Floating" Steps, thick lush grass, flagstone patios, low sitting chairs, are all my enemy.  I will ask for help and make it work only to sit there for the entire evening and wonder how the hell I am going to get up and out of there because down is always easier than up.  How can I avoid going to the bathroom for 6 hours because I simply can't get there?  It is very easy to get into a situation that you can't get out of as easily as you got into.

It is embarrassing and it is frustrating.  It is humiliating.  At this point, I'm realizing it is time to adjust again and stop doing activities that "just aren't worth it" and try to find new things that are.  Unfortunately, with a mobility issue, it is getting harder and harder to find new things.  I know my world is getting smaller and smaller.  I really really hate it.

I was asked last night why I don't use a walker or a scooter.  It really does come from a place of concern.  I know a walker and a scooter are in my future.  Believe me, I've discussed it with doctors, nurses, and my PT.  I'm just not there yet.  See the philosophy is to use an aid when you find you need it but don't rush to an aid because once you start using one, you lose more of your strength and independence and that aid becomes a requirement.  Have I rented a scooter before for long distances?  Absolutely.  Have I plopped into a wheelchair at a museum or such that is too much walking?  In a heartbeat.  But living in one is something I am putting off for as long as I can.  Not because I am stubborn but because I don't need it yet.  I've not fallen in years (knock on wood).  That will be the sign it is time for more help.  But thanks so much for that suggestion.  Believe me, it is a constant in my mind.  You don't think it is an accident that my condo is wheelchair accessible with wide enough doors and turning space do you?

So I reach out to you, my tribe, my people.  Please be kind to me and realize when my body freezes and you casually walk over grass, it's not me.  I'm having a personal panic attack because I so want to follow you but I just simply can't.  I want to go everywhere still, do everything still, and be "normal".  But Myositis has stolen that from me.