Faking Cancer

I have something on my mind and I just have to let it out before I burst.  But this is going to be one of those "things" that make you want to learn more and I'm telling you right now, I'm not going to provide more than I post here because there are people involved that I don't want to out their stupidity.  I can tell you it is no one that reads this blog or knows me well.

I learned recently that "someone" feels I faked my cancer!!  The motive, in their mind, was to keep Philip close to me all those years and keeping him "behaving".  I was absolutely floored when I hear this as every day I look in the mirror, I am reminded of my cancer journey from the scars that are visible down the front of my face and the dent in my eyebrow from trying to remove the tumor from my eyebrow twice.  Never mind the freckle on the back of my hand from all the IV insertions of toxic chemicals in that spot to administer the chemotherapy.  Let's not talk about the jacked up inside of my nose from my excellent surgeon trying to remove cancerous lumps from inside my face without a scar.  And let us not forget the 1.5" scar on my collar bone from removing my first tumor there.  Never mind the fucked up sinuses on the left side from the tumor that had to be removed twice and now my sinus drains into my left eye (party tricks available by blowing milk from my mouth through my eyeball).  Those are just the visible things.

Let's talk a minute about the invisible things like pain I still feel knowing I have cancer in my body that will never go away.  Or the look on my sweet 6 year old's face when I had to tell him his mother had cancer and try to convince him it is not scary and I WILL NOT ABANDON HIM.  Never mind all the times my cancer returns and I have to buck up and do additional treatments.  Let's forget all the scans and radiation I've had trying to beat back the beast that lives inside my body.  And because of all that, everytime I need an Xray, we (my doctor and I) have to face the tough choice of if it is "worth it" to add more radiation to my body (the answer is usually no) because we now have to track the radiation load my body has had to carry and won't go away.  Let's not even talk about all the pain my family and friends deal with the fact that I am sick and have this hard journey to endure.  All the potential dating partners that disappear when I tell them I have had cancer.  The countless sleepless nights I have faced trying to come to terms with all this and put it in perspective so I can keep going.

So instead of focusing on those stupid assholes that think I am faking it, I am going to focus on the fact that I must have done something right to overcome the mental challenge of dealing with a chronic cancer.  The fact that I am "doing so well" that people don't believe I have a lifetime of dealing with cancer.  To date, I will never hear that statement that any cancer survivor waits for...that they are "Cured".

See I think people believe that all cancer is swift and efficient in determining if you are cured or dead.  They don't know that there are cancers that have the ability to just keep haunting you just about the time you forget yourself that you have fought a battle for your life.  But there are such things as chronic cancers.  And I am fortunate or unfortunate to have one

I won't even pretend to know why my cancer seems to not follow a typical path for my type of cancer.  Even my Oncologist is surprised.  I should be getting treatment every 18-24 months as the cancer of my type typically returns that often.  Why I am getting 10 years remission?  Why am I currently 4 years out from my last terrible treatment that fried my eye area and damaged the skin around my eye.  Every day I am reminded when I look in the mirror and see the dent where a large and dangerous tumor once lived.  But I wash my face, look into my own eyes and smile knowing I've been given another day.  I might not be perfect but perfection is highly over rated.  Today I can breathe in the air, touch the soil, laugh with friends and family, give of myself, and relish in the fact that I am a cancer survivor one more day.

Next time I have treatment, I will make sure the sad assholes are very so aware of what I am going through.  Maybe they would like to drive me to treatment every day for a month.  Or see my medical file at my oncologist's office is 2.5 inches thick because "I made it this far". (September 20 will be 15 years since I heard those horrible words labeled as my diagnosis.  I am so thankful I have beat the odds so far and know I am way past the prognostics estimates.)

My final thought is a reminder to me and everyone else.  Please be careful judging others with your own viewpoint.  You do not know what journey that person has been on.  Be kind, Be helpful, or be quiet.  And to the "side swipe assholes", Be quiet with your stupid ass comments.  No one asked you anyway.

Enough said.  Thanks for letting me get it off my chest.